


Hopeful Wanderer

by spookysunflower



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Big Bang Challenge, Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Gen, Guilty Sam, M/M, One Shot, POV Third Person Omniscient, Sam-Centric, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-14
Updated: 2017-03-14
Packaged: 2018-10-05 04:19:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,155
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10297367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spookysunflower/pseuds/spookysunflower
Summary: Takes place between seasons 7 and 8. Sam feels lost without Dean. For the first time in his life he is completely alone. Sam struggles with the guilt of not being able to help his brother. Hunting isn’t keeping him distracted enough, so he fixes up the Impala and drives. Not to find Dean, but to find himself. Castiel shows up to help him on his journey and helps him discover feelings he never got to experience before. Sam goes to history museums, nightclubs, kisses a boy for the first time, and studies the colors of the Colorado sky. This is Sam’s adventure and Sam’s only.~Written for Sam Winchester Big Bang 2017~





	

Sam never thought of himself as an adventurous person. He had always imagined doing something like this, something unplanned, something risky. There were so many places he had wanted to visit when he was a kid. Sitting in the back of the Impala, buried in some library book about the World’s Greatest Cities. He became immersed in these faraway unattainable places, a different world he liked to pretend he was a part of. Sam had travelled many places in America, him and Dean had been to almost every state for a case, but they had never taken a vacation before, or even went sightseeing. He had mentioned it once, in the Impala with Dean about 6 years ago when they first started hunting together again. 

“Hey Dean?” Sam was close to dozing off, his face smashed up against the window.

“Yeah?” Dean wiped at his eyes, they had been driving for almost 7 hours straight and his vision was starting to blur.

“What do you think about...maybe just going someplace...not for a hunt? Just to explore new places and eat different food and not have to worry about monsters for a bit.”

Dean gave a slight chuckle. “You mean like a vacation? You wanna go on a vacation? Like laying on the beach tanning and all that shit? That’s what you wanna do?”

“Well, yeah. Don’t act like you’ve never thought about it. Dad never gave us that. We’re adults, we can afford to relax once in a little while, escape from the hunting life.” Sam couldn’t help feeling slightly annoyed with his big brother. What’s the big deal?

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed but we’re broke, Sammy. And besides, we got a lot on our plate right now. You think we can just go relax while Dad’s still missing? Not a chance.”

Sam sighed with irritation. “I’m not an idiot, Dean, obviously it wouldn’t be right now, and it wouldn’t have to be anyplace fancy. Just someplace where we could relax. You know what, forget it.” He turned back toward the window. Sam knew he was acting like a moody teenager and he didn’t care.

And with that, the conversation was over. Sam still often thought about going on a vacation, with him and Dean of course. He would plan it all out and then spring it on Dean after a case. He’d refuse at first, and then he would see all the time Sam had spent making sure he and Dean had the best vacation ever, and he would agree and they could have the vacation they never had. 

Sam felt guilty, thinking about vacation when Dean was gone. It had been a month since he lost Dean to the Leviathans. He had gone crazy trying to look for him. He summoned demons, performed spells, tried about everything to get him back. He couldn’t let himself believe Dean was dead yet. There’s still a chance he could come back, and that was about the only thing Sam had to hold unto. Hope was pretty much the only thing that kept Sam going. 

Sam continued hunting in that month by himself to try and keep his mind off of Dean, but needless to say it didn’t work. It really didn’t work. There were times Sam felt sick to his stomach driving the Impala without Dean in it. He listened to Dean’s old Zeppelin and Styx tapes and felt more and more guilty about not looking harder for Dean. He knew Dean would be going on a rampage if he was the one that was missing. But Sam couldn’t keep this up. He was too tired, too anxiety-ridden, too consumed by the tortuous images and scenarios he imagined Dean in right at that moment. He couldn’t do it anymore. 

Sam had been staying at a run down motel somewhere right outside Kansas City, Missouri. He had been there on a case, but it turned out to be a dead-end. Since he was already in the area, he decided to stay there until he could decide what his next move was. 

Sam flopped on the old, creaky motel bed and stared at the popcorn ceiling. He hadn’t eaten anything all morning and his stomach was growling. He had some cash lying around from a pool game he had managed to hustle the night before and decided to treat himself to a diner breakfast, blueberry pancakes and a strawberry smoothie Dean would have made fun of. It felt odd not paying for two and that sinking pit in his stomach grew wider. 

In the month Dean had been gone, Sam had questioned many things; what his purpose was, if what he was doing was really for the good of all people, if he had done more bad than good, and if he should just give up hunting altogether.

He caught himself spending several afternoons sitting in city parks, watching giggling kids fall and chase each other on the playground and couples hold hands while taking walks underneath budding trees. He found himself pondering about his life could have become if he had stayed at Stanford with Jess, pursuing his law degree. Or even if he just ran away from home like he had planned so many times. His only reason for not running away was Dean. That, and he had nowhere to run to, no real home.

The idea hit Sam while he was watching some history documentary on the motel TV. What if he took that vacation he had always dreamed about? But only not a vacation (due to his lack of money), more like an adventure. An adventure that would be all his own and not meticulously planned. Something spontaneous and risky, well risky for Sam, and all his own. 

It’s amazing how many things Sam never got to do. He’d done a lot of incredible things, mind-blowing things, things most people could never imagine doing. 

But he had never kissed a boy. Or gone swimming in the Colorado hot springs. Or gone to a history museum. Or been to see a musical. The only person he had really told any of this to was Scully, his imaginary friend. 

As he drove off in the Impala, listening to a 90s alternative rock station he knew Dean wouldn’t approve of, he heard Sully’s voice echoing in his head.

“You can be whatever you wanna be. You’re not your dad. You’re not Dean. You’re Sam, and Sam is so awesome.”

Somewhere along the line, Sam had forgotten who he was. Not just the boy who saved the world, or the boy with the demon blood, but Sam. He needed more than anything to remember who he was.

Sam never knew how much he enjoyed concerts and live music until he started going to nightclubs. 

He went to a jazz club one night, he wore a snazzy suit, not an “FBI” one, but a bright blue suit he would have never dared wore in front of Dean or Dad. The lady he bought it from thought it really brought out his eyes. 

He ordered red wine, something he hadn’t drank in ages. He let the emotion of the jazz flow through him and be immersed in a culture he had never before experienced. He almost felt like he belonged. Sam Winchester: Jazz Enthusiast. Cultured, suave, contemplative. 

He noticed along with jazz musicians in the darkly-lit club, they had an incredibly talented electric guitarist that reminded Sam of how much Dean had wanted to learn to play guitar.

He had taught Sam to play air guitar on a hot, sticky summer afternoon in the Impala while listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd. Sam remembers giggling his head off watching his big brother pretend to be a professional rock star. He remembers thinking how well the title ‘rockstar’ suited him. Dean Winchester: Rockstar. Talented. Passionate.

Sam stopped by several vegan restaurants as he drove through the beautiful state of Colorado. There was a lot more than just kale like he thought. He enjoyed chatting with the 20 something hipster kids that worked there, talking about how he had thought about going vegan. He looked about like he belonged, with his flannel and long hair. 

“Dude, what’s your workout routine like? You’re swole as hell.” One of the employees with long hair pulled back in a bun with much too large glasses was eyeing Sam with amazement.

“Oh, um, just exercise I guess.” Sam stammered. He rarely got comments on his appearance when Dean was beside him. He had always had the movie star good looks of the two. Not that Sam thought he was ugly. Sam Winchester: Vegan. Hipster. Activist.

He had always wanted to visit the hot springs and he figured that was an acceptable place to go by himself. He wanted to go white-water rafting but all would think about was how much Dean would have loved it. The guilt in Sam’s chest was a chasm now, only getting deeper. 

The springs were about what Sam had expected. They were relaxing and Colorado had a breathtaking view, and the sky was constantly changing. Sam laid on his back and tried to float and focus on the sounds of the bubbling water and the sounds and smells around him. Sam Winchester: Colorado Rockies Mountain Climber. Nature-lover. Fit. Resourceful. 

If Sam was being honest with himself, he didn’t really know how Dean would have reacted but the thought of Dean coming back and seeing him enjoying himself felt like it would be the biggest slap in the face. He just wanted to find himself, he would tell Dean. But it would just make him more upset. Find yourself, Sam? What a fucking cliche.

You’re doing all you can. Thought Sam. I’ve done all I could and I can’t keep looking for him forever. I’m not losing hope, I’m just taking some time for myself. 

Sam was sitting outside his motel in Colorado Springs on some blue plastic chairs. The sun was just starting to set and a cool breeze was blowing, causing the man’s long hair to whip around his face. 

A sharp bark and the sound the sound of nails on cement made Sam turn. A german shepherd, lab, and corgi were all clamoring towards him from across the street, a young frantic woman attached to the leashes.

Sam greeted the dogs with vivacious enthusiasm. He forgot how much he loved the mutts. They reminded him not everything in the world was complicated. Dogs weren’t complicated and they loved you know matter what. They don’t care about the mistakes you made or will make. 

“Need some help?” The poor girl was flustered and panting but gave Sam a smile at his friendly face.

“I mean, yeah. I could use some I guess.” The german shepherd took a break from sniffing Sam’s shoe to lick his face. “They seem to like you.” 

Sam’s large hands ruffled the dog’s fur as the other dogs fought for Sam’s affection, scooting the other dogs out of the way. Sam ended up taking one of the leashes and helped Sarah, the local pet shelter owner he found out, walk them back to the shelter. 

Sam stayed in town for another 2 weeks, helping look after the dogs. He was just volunteering, but the other shelter employees and volunteers, appreciated his help so much they gave him money anyway. 

They even offered to give Sam one of the 3-month old husky puppies that Sam had grown especially attached too.

“Sam, she loves you. Why don’t you take her?” Sarah had grown quite fond of Sam over the past 2 weeks. He was so good with the dogs, but with people too. Everyone loved him.

“I would love to, but she deserves a good stable home and I’m afraid I can’t give that to her.” He gave Sarah and the puppy a sad smile. Sam Winchester. Dog-magnet. Animal Lover. Local Volunteer.

Sam finished up giving a unyielding golden retriever a bath and said goodbye to the Colorado Springs Pet Rescue Shelter. 

~

Cas showed up with absolutely no warning. Sam was brushing his teeth in his motel half asleep, when he heard a muffled flap and groan coming from the bedroom.

Sam had come out, gun in hand, toothbrush in mouth, eyes wide with shock.

“Cas?!” His toothbrush fell out of his mouth. “What the hell?”

Cas looked like he had been through hell and back. Sam hadn’t seen him in months, as he had disappeared when Dean did, when the Leviathans were defeated.

“Hello Sam.” Cas walked towards Sam and pulled him down to his level to give him a hug. As Sam embraced the angel he caught whiff of an earthy, rather heinous smell. Where the hell had he been? 

Sam had never been so glad to see Cas. He had been on his own for months, and he had been slowly begun to accept the fact that he may never see Castiel again. As far as accepting that he may never see Dean again, well, that was another thing entirely.

Sam had so many questions for Cas he could hardly contain himself. But Sam could see Cas wasn’t exactly in the right mindset. After taking a long hot shower and eating some of Sam’s leftover food from a local diner, Cas was able to piece together what happened. Sort of.

“So...Purgatory?” Sam had no idea that was even a place that existed. He couldn’t image what it was like. Sam could tell Cas wasn’t quite ready to talk about the shit he had gone through in purgatory. He knew how Cas felt.

“Purgatory.” Cas looked right at Sam as he ate his leftover blueberry pancakes. Cas had been ecstatic to eat again, even though he didn’t need to. Eating was somewhat therapeutic. Sam tried (and failed) not to smile to himself as Cas managed to get whipped cream on his nose.

Sam was so relieved Dean was alive he didn’t even think about his plans he had made for himself the next day. Cas of course had no idea how to get Dean out, or he would have already done so. Cas wasn’t exactly sure how he was able to get out and Dean wasn’t but he knew there was an exit somewhere. 

Sam and Cas got along in a way that always baffled Dean, but made amused him too. They were both total nerds and Sam was always so patient with him. Sam thought Castiel was the most fascinating being in the universe. He had seen and experienced so much he was like a walking history museum. 

Sam and Cas spent a lot of time together during the next few weeks; talking, researching, watching Game of Thrones and Lord of the Rings, and visiting various national parks and museums. They visited The National WWII Museum in New Orleans. Sam Winchester: History Buff. Intellectual. Nerd.

From the minute Sam had met Cas, he had been amazed. He’d dreamt about angels when he was little, remembering what Mom had told Dean, that angels were watching over him. He always imagined Mom as his angel. He’d talk to her at night when he was a kid, but he felt like Cas might’ve heard those prayers, too. Castiel: Angel. Protective. Strong. Loving.

~

Sam felt completely ridiculous at first, walking into a nightclub. I mean, this was something Hunter Sam would never do, it seemed silly. As a teenager he had always wanted to experience it. When he told Cas about it, he had not expected him to want to join him. Cas in a nightclub? Dancing and drinking? The image of it was enough to make Sam snicker.

“You sure? I mean you may hate it. I may hate it. Don’t feel obligated, Cas. I know you had talked about wanting to go to a baseball game. Maybe we can do that later.” He looked up at Cas from where he was putting on his high tops.

Cas’ eyes got very wide. He had told that to Sam almost a year ago, on the rare occasion it was just the two of them. Sam remembered asking Cas if he ever wondered about what he would have enjoyed doing if he had been born a human. Cas said he always wanted to go to a baseball game, but he said he felt most like a human around him and Dean. 

Sam smiled at Cas as he adjusted white mesh shirt. He was dressed like he had just stepped out of an 90s boy band. Sam had let Cas borrow some clothes he had picked up at a thrift store. 

The idea was to look as non hunter-like as possible. Sam had broken that rule slightly as he had put a flannel on over his too-short undershirt that exposed his tan midriff. Normally he wouldn’t be caught dead wearing what he was, but Cas’ rosy blush and the bubbly mood Sam had been in lately was enough to buy the violet crop top. 

As Sam and Cas stood in line to get into the night club, Sam noticed Cas fidgeting and sweat starting to gather on his forehead. 

“Hey, Cas?”

Cas looked up at Sam. “Yes?” Cas’ voice got caught a little on the last word.

“You okay, buddy? You look nervous.” Sam’s forehead was creased with worry. Cas was looking into Sam’s eyes trying to filter out all the colors swimming in them. 

“Yeah, yeah. I’m ready to party with you, Sam.” He said it with the most sincere tone, it made Sam’s face radiate amusement and then he giggled. Cas grinned. Sam’s laugh reminded him of a bubbling, gushing stream. He decided making Sam laugh was now one of his favorite pastimes.

Sam placed his hand on Cas's shoulder. “Hey, if it sucks, we can get out of there. Just tell me if you wanna leave, okay?”

They were getting closer and closer to the entrance now. “Okay, Sam.” Cas forced a smile.

The club was certainly alive, but not alive in the way Sam had pictured. It was crowded, but not so packed him and Cas couldn’t walk without touching people. He saw a vortex of colors as a hipster-looking guy was passing out neon body paint and packs of girls and guys alike were marking all over themselves. Sam’s eyes glinted with excitement. He didn’t feel like a hunter at all. He just felt like a guy. A regular guy going to the club with his...friend. His pretty, wide-eyed friend who he grabbed by the hand to get in line for body paint. 

Sam and Cas had somehow landed with a group of guys who they were fairly certain were gay and were apparently under the impression Sam and Cas were a couple. 

Sam found this amusing; he’d always found Cas attractive, especially now in the ocean blue hue coming from the lights and his off the shoulder white mesh shirt. Sam had talked him into it with a little coercing (he offered to buy Cas Ben & Jerry’s ice cream, his new-found obsession.)

The group of guys Sam and Cas were now a part of were already offering to paint up Sam and Cas with body paint, blue and pink and yellow and green. 

An attractive blonde with hungry blue eyes was painting stars on Sam’s exposed stomach. He started to outline his abs with bright yellow paint and Sam laughed that bubbly laugh Cas loved. 

Cas was watching this as a large man with stubble and muscles was painting Cas’ arms and face with a diagonal pattern in blue-and-orange paint. Cas reminded Sam of a beautiful tropical fish. 

Sam and Cas locked eyes while they were getting finished up and Sam smirked at Cas which caused his face to turn an even deeper shade of pink. He’d been on the end of an intense Dean-stare but never a Sam-stare. It was another thing entirely. Dean’s eyes are sunlight going through a glass of whiskey. Sam’s eyes are sunflowers floating on a sparkling pond, and different colored flowers floated in them from time to time; a million colors and shades and textures and Cas was in love with them. He shivered even though the room was filling up with more and more warm bodies.

Sam looked away as the blonde finished up drawing little hearts on his cheeks. Cas may not be the most observant person, but he definitely tell this guy was into Sam. He kept stroking his forearm, dragging his fingers up to his broad, tanned shoulders. Cas was sure his face was on fire now. 

The blonde then started to get more friendly. Very friendly. He was dancing on Sam, and Sam was into it. At least it looked that way to Cas. The blaring club music sounded like colors and heartbeats to Cas. 

Sam seemed to enjoy it, or at least moving to it. He swung tiny, lean hips to the beat of the song and bopped his head back and forth so his hair bounded along with him, going every which way.

The blonde hooked his arms around Sam’s hips and Sam looked a little shocked but let him. He glanced over at Cas, watching them 10 feet away and he gave a little wave. 

Sam had never grinded on anyone before, or had anyone grind on him, and man it felt good. The blonde’s name was Ethan, and he was definitely hot and seemed to think Sam was too. Sam Winchester: Man-Eater. Flirt. Attractive. Unpredictable.

Sam was enjoying himself so much that he completely forgot Cas was there until he opened his eyes to see Cas looking uncomfortable as a different group of guys were touching his shirt and asking him his name. Sam suddenly felt a surge of protectiveness (or was it jealousy?), go through him.

He gave Ethan a quick kiss on the cheek without thinking and bounded after Cas. I must be super drunk, Sam thought. He had only had one drink. Something fruity he was handed as he had walked in.

“No, I do not have a boyfriend .” Sam heard Cas’ voice before he even reached him. He looked very confused.

A short redhead with eyeliner on stepped closer to Cas and placed his palm on Cas’ chest. “Who was that tall glass of water you showed up with then?”

“Yeah, that’d be me.” Sam cut through the crowd of guys and put an arm across Cas’ shoulders. Cas looked up at Sam and shot him a look of horror. 

“I’m his boyfriend.” He smiled down at Cas and put his arm around his shoulder protectively. “Come on, babe.” He lead Cas away from the crowd, stopped in the middle of the dance floor, and leaned in towards him.

“You alright? Sorry I just had to get you out of there.” Sam was the one blushing now.

“Y-Yeah I’m good. Thanks.” Cas grinned. “Boyfriend, huh?”

“You don’t think we could be boyfriends?” That came out much more flirty than intended. Cas’ eyes widened. 

A slower song started to play, and Cas decided it was a good time to get them drinks. Cas started to turn away but Sam’s voice stopped him. 

Sam grabbed Cas’ wrist. “Hey. Dance with me.” He began swaying back and forth and Cas couldn’t help but give in. Who could say no to dancing with Sam Winchester?

It was awkward, at first anyway. Once they got the rhythm down, Sam stopped stepping on Cas’ toes, and Cas learned how to move the lower half of his body without looking like he was having a seizure.

They ended up drinking more, but never got too drunk that they couldn’t dance. They were dancing to fast songs now too, mostly because of how amused Sam was at watching Cas try to do the Cupid Shuffle, the easiest dance and Cas’ favorite. Sam was very proud of him for mastering it. 

Sam leaded into Cas’ ear. “Thank you, Cas. For doing this with me. I know it’s kind of crazy but I really appreciate it.” Sam’s breath tickled his ear.

Cas pulled back to look into Sam’s eyes. “You’re welcome, Sam.” 

Now maybe it was just because they were in a gay club, or because they were tipsy, or maybe because Sam and Cas had bonded so much, but Sam decided it was time to cross something else off his list, besides just going to a night club. 

He put his hand underneath Cas’ jaw and he felt Cas suck in a breath. He smiled. “It’s okay.” Sam leaned down and the next thing Cas knew Sam Winchester’s soft pink lips were on his. 

Cas had very little practice kissing. Sam definitely knew what he was doing. At first Cas panicked. How do lips work? Do I move them, do I not? 

Sam pulled back and Cas felt his breath tickle his cheek. “Relax, Castiel. You’re doing great.” Cas felt his heart lurch at Sam using his full name. Sam somehow to sound incredibly sexy just when giving a normal compliment. Cas had never met a troubled man so gentle and good. There was absolutely no evil in Sam Winchester. He had seen his soul, so he would know. Sam had seen some shit, some god awful shit and had been through so much, but there was nothing but goodness inside him.

This time Cas moved his head towards Sam’s and without thinking put his hands around Sam’s torso. He was feeling the muscles in Sam’s back and Sam’s hands were on Cas’ hips which almost made his knees buckle in response. Sam’s touch just has that effect. He was not only touching Sam, but kissing him of all things.

Sam was getting so immersed in the kiss now, attempting tongue and gently moaning against Cas’ lips without even realizing it, that he forgot he was in a public place. Not that that would stop him from kissing an angel.

Sam noticed that Cas seemed to be getting a little uncomfortable. He started to slowly pull away from Sam’s delightful lips. Sam’s eyes were starting to make him dizzy. He couldn’t possibly keep track of all the colors now. The spectrum had completely changed. 

“You wanna get outta here?” Sam breathed into Cas’ ear. Cas shivered. 

“Yes.” 

The blonde boy Sam was dancing with earlier made eye contact and just because he could, Sam winked. Dean had always been known to wink, but Sam enjoyed this new party, flirty persona. The guy other guys want to dance with and get close to. He felt wanted.

Cas and Sam hailed down a cab to take them back to their motel. Cas was fidgeting in the cab and looking nervously out the window. Cas couldn’t help but notice how big but gentle Sam’s hands felt. They had definitely held up the world more than once.

Sam wasn’t really thinking about what he was doing or what it would mean in the morning. He was hardly thinking at all, which felt oddly freeing. He wasn’t overanalyzing every little thing, he was just going wherever the night took him.

The kissing continued long into the night and they were soaking up every minute of it. Sam felt happy kissing Cas, doing what he wanted, but Dean showed up too. He was watching them, disgusted that his brother and best friend were getting it on while Dean was in purgatory fighting monsters, desperate to find a way out. 

Sam tried to get Dean out of his head as Cas traced his fingers down Sam’s chest and onto his chiseled stomach. Cas didn’t seem to have any lust in his eyes, more like amazement and wonder. Nevertheless, when Cas put his lips on Sam’s skin it was enough to get him hard instantly. Cas may not have had much experience but he was damn good at pleasing Sam.

Sam groaned and told Cas he wanted to switch places. He was straddled on top of Cas now, kissing his neck, looking into his eyes. His hair was starting to fall into his eyes, and Cas tucked it behind his ear without any hesitation. The gesture was so pure and gentle, Sam started to laugh and leaned his head down so their noses were touching now, breaths mixing.

“Why are you laughing? Did I do something wrong?” Cas’ brow furrowed with confusion.

Sam leaned down to peck him on the cheek. “No, Cas. You did everything right.” 

Sam just then realized how exhausted he was after the adventure they had together. After a few more sloppy kisses, Sam and Cas fell asleep tangled up in each other, holding onto what they had left: each other.

~  
The next month or so was almost peaceful to Sam. Him and Cas avoided hunting unless something obvious came across them. They worked together on about 3 cases that summer, but the rest of their time was spent researching, playing chess, sleeping, reading, and just being. 

Sam’s guilt started to pile up, but having Castiel with him made it hard to be down on himself for too long. “Sam”, Cas would say in a hard tone, “It’s not your fault.” 

Sam would give Cas a sad smile. “I know, Cas.” 

His haunting visions of Dean were less and less but he still heard his voice sometimes, calling him. Asking him why he wasn’t looking harder. But the voice wasn’t angry anymore, it was solemn and hopeless. 

There were nights when Sam woke up in a cold sweat and Cas would always be there with him. He was never really asleep anyway, just resting his eyes. 

Sometimes Cas would open his eyes and study Sam’s breathing, the way his legs shifted in his sleep, or the rare occasion when his face wasn’t filled with worry, when he looked at peace.

“Cas.” Sam shot straight out of bed, startling the angel. He was breathing heavy and his eyes were barely open. His face was scrunched up, like it normally was when he had nightmares. His gentle hands grasped for Cas’ body. It was habit now.

Cas leaned into Sam and rubbed his shoulders, his hands trailing down Sam’s arms. “I’m here, Sam.” He wrapped his arms around Sam and held the larger man. Sam buried his face in Cas’ bare shoulder. Sam couldn’t explain why, but he felt more at peace in Castiel’s arms than he ever had anywhere else. 

Sam shivered underneath Cas’s warm body and Cas brought the fleece blanket the two of them shared over Sam’s back. 

He planted a soft kiss on Sam’s wrist. “We’ll find him, Sam. I promise.”

Sam awoke the next morning, Cas sprawled out on the bed next to him. He smiled to himself. Dean would come back, and until then Castiel would be there to remind him of who he was.

Sam Winchester: Brother. Friend. Lover. Hero.

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys! thanks so much for reading my fic. hope you liked it. special thanks to the lovely people who organized the Sam Winchester Big Bang 2017! thanks for letting me be a part of it! also big shoutout to Michelle, @kuwlshadow on tumblr and LJ for creating the gorgeous fan art that goes with this fic!


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